Listen With Your Eyes

 Body Language Speaks Volumes

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"The first important point to realize is that only a small part of what you are communicating at any moment is coming from the actual words you are saying. There are three ways that we are constantly sending out messages to those around us: 

body language, tone of voice and actual words." - Decoding Love by Andrew Trees

I've done extensive research in the art of communicating, particularly with people who are emotionally vulnerable. To continue our communication thread, we'll look at a variety of ways we can be more receptive to our partners' needs and convey our message with more awareness and perhaps subtlety.

In the book Decoding Love, Andrew Trees goes on to say, "In most casual conversations, what we say is the least important of the three aspects of communication." 

Consider a conversation you're having with someone while they're checking their mobile phone. This is a tragic reality of our society. Not only are they missing all the nuances your body language is portraying but they're also missing the deeper connection, the eye contact, the intimacy of a shared moment.

Conversations like that get watered down, the person talking shuts down a little to avoid the feeling of neglect from being mostly ignored. Worst of all, communication on a larger scale shuts down too because the person who is talking feels that they are not valued.

Emotionally Vulnerable People

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To an emotionally vulnerable person it feels like they are not enough. It feels like the other person is not interested in what they have to say or that whatever the other person is looking at on their phone is more important than they are. Low self-esteem ensues - a huge red flag erupts in the mechanics of the relationship.

How can we fix this?

Understand first, rather than respond:

❤ Eye contact - there is a world of emotion to be found by looking someone in the eyes

❤ Speak with a low-pitched voice - calm conversation is more productive 

❤ Observe facial expressions - you can discern emotion and redirect the conversation accordingly

❤ Physical touch - a brief touch on the arm or hand can soften most aggressive responses

In a startling discovery from Andrew Trees' research in Decoding Love, he found that the reason for this failure in marital communication was that the longer a couple was married, the less attention they paid to each other. For any theory of marriage predicated on good communication, the study reveals just how daunting that task [communication] can be.

❤ "Only connect," as E.M. Forster wrote in the epigraph to Howard's End. Useful advice not just in our search for love but in the most basic expression of our humanity.

We'll end with this succinct question from Andrew Trees' book Decoding Love:

❤ What sort of value do you place on companionship? 📣 I'd love to hear your perspective.

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Did you learn something new? Share it with us so we can all benefit and grow beautiful relationships.