Couples, Communication, and our Stories
A Deeper Dive
[I invite you to sit quietly, read and contemplate this resonant article by Guest Blogger Kate Jiggins]
At this point in my life, I have two “jobs.” Job number one is a people helper. A listener. A psychotherapist. I have been sitting with people – witnessing their stories – for close to 20-years. Yikes! Sometimes it feels like I am just out of graduate school. Like a new puppy. Wide eyed. Enthusiastic.
My other “job”? I write. I tell stories about real life. Real people. Real struggles. Real triumph. Real inspiration. Stories that connect, support – hopefully inspire people to push themselves - explore what’s on the other side of that unhelpful conditioning. Limiting beliefs. Crappy stories. Those re-runs that keep us stuck.
Overtime, in my personal work, and my time with couples, I am beginning to see – more importantly understand - the power of story. Mine. Yours. Theirs. Others. It’s true, we all have unique stories. However, the big question is - how cognizant are we about the themes of our stories – especially in the context of intimate relationships?
Our stories: A deeper dive
Undeniably, storytelling is an integral part of what it means to be human. For millennia - through voice, gesture, dance, poems – myths, tales, lessons, learnings, and legends have been passed down through the generations. It is no surprise, consciously or unconsciously – stories are a part of our DNA.
In general, our stories are created, held, and recalled on two levels. In my work with people, I refer to this as Level I and Level II story. Level I story lives in the frontal cortex. Basically, the newest part of the brain just behind the forehead. Imagine a library. These are the books we can easily access. Flip through. Browse. Put back. Re-access as needed.
This is also where we complete tasks like linear thinking, planning, and organizing. We create and hold thoughts here. This is where thoughts become story. Narratives about the past – what was: “I should have…” thinking. Stories about the future: “What could happen…” thoughts.
Interestingly, we are not particularly good with present – real time stories. With here and now content such as, “I’m fine. You're fine. We’re fine.” This is due to - negative bias – a deeply wired, unconscious survival strategy (…another article for another day).
So, what about Level II story?
Level II story is the stuff way under the hood. Level II stories swirl around, deep below the surface of mental thought chatter. In the back of the brain. Out of Level I awareness. These stories show up in the body/mind as images, feelings, and sensations.
Powerful and impactful. These are the narratives that are truly running the show. These out-of-sight, yet very much alive - stories - are shaped by countless events. Timeless. Complex.
For couples, the importance of really seeing our – under-the-surface - Level II stories is vital.
Why? Because stories -generally someone else’s – have, over time, become a truth. Our truth. A truth that shapes the way we see the world, our relationships - each other.
These stories influence how we love, communicate, and respond. Our internal narratives also influence what we believe about ourselves – and our loved ones. How we behave, and the choices we make. Pause for a second. Let that sink in…
I really want you to hear this. I repeat… our stories - generally someone else’s - become our truth. This truth influences the way we see the world. Determining how we show-up. What we believe – about ourselves – and others. How we react, love, and communicate.
Powerful. Right?
When we start uncovering, understanding, and seeing our Level II stories. The narratives we have internalized – automatic, unquestioned, unexamined - as simply story vs. truth. As fact. The way it must be. Or luck. Or a gazillion other words we use to justify and rationalize our reactions - it’s a game changer.
I would like to suggest an exercise and give you a couple of tips.
Imagine
Maybe, for a moment, you can imagine, the incredibly powerful effect – positive and negative - our Level II stories can have on our intimate relationships. To illustrate here is an exercise for you to try.
Take a moment to reflect on the last time you were aware of an overreaction. An emotional response that, on reflection, seemed larger than the event called for. Your reaction clearly didn’t fit the crime (…always a clue). Maybe an argument with a significant other? Last-minute changes in plans? Maybe an unexpected disappointment?
Take a breath. Bring the image/memory/event up into your mind’s eye. Begin to replay the movie. Slowly. Frame by frame. Try to keep that Level I - thinking/judgment – off, away to the side. Drop into the body. Connect with the images as much as possible. Imagine watching a movie with the sound off. How’s it going?
Now try the following.
Step 1: Gently. See if you can notice
What is happening in your body? Sensations? Hot? Cold? Tightness? Tension?
What feelings are you connecting with? Anger? Sadness? Fear? Rejection?
Where do you feel this in the body? Chest? Stomach? Jaw? Head?
Now, without judgement – notice any other information that may arise.
Step 2: With curiosity inquire
What is this about for me?
Have I felt this before? When? Where? Who? How old?
Step 3: With buckets of compassion - see if you can connect with any story fragments this memory holds
What do you notice?
How old?
Who was there?
What happened?
What did you learn back then? (This is important. This is the old story)
Step 4: Reflection – ask yourself
Is this story true for me today – relevant in this current situation?
Does this story still fit me - here as an adult in 2021?
How would I like to change/rewrite this old story?
What would I prefer my present-day truth be?
How would I prefer to respond – present day – when X happens again?
These are powerful exercises. Although, these steps don’t take long - allow yourself enough time. Space. Grace. Maybe some tea? Tissues. Also, a notebook by your side can be helpful.
If you find these steps really stir the waters. It’s okay. Simply stop. Take some breaths. Switch gears. Connect with something more pleasant. Take a walk. Take a warm bath. Talk to a trusted friend, partner, or therapist.
Practical tips for you and your partner
What are some clues – signs - that unhelpful – Level II story – might be coming-up in your intimate relationships?
Look for – blaming, judging, criticizing – feelings/language/behaviors. You always! You never! – are common examples.
Feeling personally - blamed, judged, criticized, or defensive – can also be a sign. I can never say anything! “It’s always my fault! – can be helpful clues.
Intense physical sensations/feelings/reactions that – on reflection – seem too big for the event. For instance, if you are exploding or feeling devastated when your loved one forgets to pick-up milk – there might be some Level II story lurking somewhere. This is ripe for self-exploration, reflection, and discussion.
Have you ever summited a mountain? There’s the long, hard climb. Finally, you reach the summit. The clouds part. The sun peeks through revealing a breathtaking view. You sit still - in absolute awe. On a clear day you can see for miles and miles and miles. Simple. Clear. True.
At times, even the best relationships can sometimes feel like we are summiting Everest. Twists. Turns. Rocks. Roots. Surprises. Personally, I think relationships are one of the hardest and – most rewarding - things we will ever do. Parenting is up there too…
When we start to see, own, and re-craft our unexamined stories the fog begins to clear. This creates space for listening, hearing, and responding with knowledge and self-understanding. Clear. Simple. True.
Now that we are awake in our relationships. We can begin to respond to our loved ones with awareness, wisdom, and insight. In time, communication becomes guided by our present-day narrative as opposed to a version of an outdated story from the past.
If we can begin to rewrite our own epic sagas and leave them where they belong – in the past, we can begin to see ourselves - and our loved ones - as wonderful imperfect humans.
Until next time…
Kate Champion is a personal growth writer, psychotherapist, runner, and backpacker. Kate is obsessed with real people with inspiring stories -who are beating the odds – determined to live their best lives. Author of Never Too Late. Inspiration, Motivation, and Sage Advice from 7 Later-in-Life athletes. Kate uses words to connect, support, and build community.
You can connect with Kate at: https://katechampionauthor.com/
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