How do Relationships Influence our Wellbeing?
How are our insecurities reflected in a relationship?
The Art of Restorative Self-Love
As a recovering Meltdown Survivor, this is what I’ve learnt.
No-one can love another, male or female, until you love yourself entirely. Not with the vanity of feeling that you're better than anyone else and not by exerting power over another. Self-love involves being gentle with yourself in all interactions, even when you are gently letting go of a person who no longer embraces your desire to live calmly.
No human being has the capacity to love other beings wholly until self-love is mastered.
You cannot express yourself fully to empathise with others if you aren’t aware of your own understandings of your inner workings.
Love yourself well. Not in the adjective sense, but in the verb sense. In other words, love yourself into health – physically and emotionally. Never to the detriment of another, never selfishly; but with consideration for your surroundings and those within it.
Take back your personal power!
Let’s start with the very first minutes of your day:
*you may have an alarm bleating at you
*you may have youngsters, pets or an amorous partner already crowding your space
*perhaps you have woken hours before you needed to and are forced to relinquish any hopes of falling back to sleep
All of these situations are salvageable.
Every single one of them.
Even those unique to you which I have not mentioned. But take a moment. Just 30 seconds, to show yourself some love, before anyone else: don’t worry, this is not a deep breathing, meditation program, although there is a place for that if you’re into it. Instead, this is a step-by-step practical guide to 30 seconds of conscious acknowledgement of you, yourself.
♥ don’t pick up any electronic devices
♥ DON’T
♥ if you have already, put them down, right now, in this very moment
♥ on your bedside table or floor, not on your lap or stomach or chest
Start the day by empowering yourself
Let’s begin:
♥ rub your thumbnails with your index finger. Notice any ridges on your nails; the length of your nails; feel the cuticle where nail meets nail bed. What shape does it form? Are they rough, smooth, sticking up at the edges? Feel the pleasant tickling sensation on your nails and the skin of your index fingers. How soothing does that feel?
There! You’ve just given yourself 30 seconds of total mindful love. Staying in the moment, focusing ALL your attention on yourself.
If you have a small horde clambering over you, you can still show yourself some tender loving:
♥ massage the roof of your mouth with your tongue. Never mind the morning breath you might be reeling from, this will actually help the health of your mouth and your mind. Run the tip of your tongue along the centre of your palate, feeling the line dividing the two halves; left and right. Trace the edges of your teeth with your tongue as they surround your mouth. Back to your palate; notice the contrast between soft skin and hard enamel of your teeth.
Congratulations! Once again you’ve afforded yourself a quick 30 second respite before the busy day carries you away.
If for whatever reason your day has already carried you away, fear not, there are many inconspicuous areas of your body where you can self-settle (and by inconspicuous, I don’t mean you can get frisky, alright!). Your wrists are another comforting spot to massage, as is the space behind your ears. I find a gentle massage up behind my ears particularly calming. I mention inconspicuous because if you really truly can’t spare 30 seconds before you set foot out of bed, then on the loo, in the shower, on your commute or at your workplace, are highly beneficial as well.
♥ lean your elbows on your desk, table or just rest your jaw line in your hands as you caress the soothing space behind your ears, no-one will notice, but you will benefit enormously. Taking just 30 seconds to reset your thoughts and bring your attention to your own comfort, will set you on the path to a more vibrant outlook for the moment you are encountering
♥ likewise, with your wrists; rub them softly no matter what public space you are in, this is perfectly socially acceptable behaviour. The feel of smooth skin under your fingertips works wonders in reminding you of the life force within you to cope with any situation.
∞
Once your day has begun, your self-love doesn’t stop:
If you’re a coffee in the morning kind of person, as am I, by all means go ahead and have your cuppa. Now I am no nutritionist so if you’re banned or simply don’t drink coffee, please don’t start now.
Mmm. Finished? Good.
♥ Now chase it down with a tall glass of water
Remember how I said ‘love yourself well’? Water is your well of health.
If you’re a fitness kind of person, hats off to you and off you go to do your thing. If you’re not, don’t worry I am not here to convert you. Although my claim to fame is one 90km grueling ultra marathon, I am actually not a fitness fanatic. I do, however, like to keep limber.
Don’t Care?
Excellent!
♥ give your shoulders 5 shrugs of disdain
Still don’t care?
Fantastic!
♥ wiggle your hands and wrists in childlike retribution
Starting to smile?
Brilliant!
♥ keeping both feet firmly on the ground, lift the heel of one foot at a time, alternating 5 times each
As before, I am not a personal trainer so this is by no means a fitness program. All you’re aiming to do here is give your circulation a little whirl to get the blood flow going, whilst taking your mind off the gargantuan tasks of the day ahead of you. Every 30 seconds of self-love you dedicate to yourself is another 30 seconds towards a brighter minute, hour, day, year, life!
∞
Your morning routine should be well underway by now, so at this point you need to be reminding yourself to focus. To be aware of your output. Is it meaningful? Is it self-deprecating? Or worse, narcissistic?
Let’s take stock:
♥ what did you achieve in your first hour of work or your day? Yes home bodies, I’m talking to you too.
Congratulate yourself on even the smallest achievement, if you can’t think of anything bigger.
Sent an email? ✅
Answered a call? ✅
Completed your presentation/load of washing/cup of coffee? ✅
If those tasks are still waiting for completion, all is not lost. You simply require 30 seconds of deep self-love in whichever way you choose.
Let’s have a second look:
♥ what obstacles have you overcome by mid-morning?
Cranky boss/customer/child? Kudo’s to you!
Deadlines/deliveries/rush hour? You made it!
And if you didn’t, the Earth did not collapse into itself, did it now? The hour is now, you can still overcome these obstacles. Just take 30 seconds to placate yourself with a handy massage and regroup.
∞
By now you could be reaching for morning tea or lunch. Does that include a cigarette? STOP. Are you taking steps towards loving yourself well?
♥ reach for a soothing glass of water instead of that rasping death-stick
♥ eat a healthy meal – include something green – no, not skittles or choc-mint slab!
♥ chase it down with a life-giving glass of water. If you already drink 2L of water daily – you are a Superstar.
For now, back to the busy-ness of your day. Sometimes giving back can be a form of self-love too. When we make someone feel good about themselves, it feels like a pat on the back for us too.
♥ who have you mentored by early afternoon? Maybe yourself, your children or someone vulnerable needing guidance?
♥ have you assisted anyone, or yourself, to accomplish a difficult talk? If it’s yourself you’re trying to assist – never be afraid of asking for help. Ever! You hear me? We learn by asking questions, so go on, show yourself some kindness and ask that big ass scary question.
∞
Your afternoon might be winding down or perhaps you’ve got back to back meetings. Maybe you’re hustling a sales pitch. Whatever it is that you’re in the midst of...
WAIT
Have you checked in with yourself? If you’re in a public space, simply take a few uplifting breaths – don’t worry, not a meditative moment – bring your awareness back to your surroundings. Listen to the noises around you. Birds? Cars? Air-conditioner? Chatter? Tinnitus? Yup that’s what I hear when the silence engulfs my senses. Sensory overload can trigger a small dose of anxiety. Let’s use our senses to engage our clarity and drown out the anxiety.
♥ if you’re feeling frazzled, flick your fingers on one hand, or both hands if you can. Place your thumb over each fingernail one by one, flick away from your thumb one finger at a time. Spring each finger away from your thumb. Notice your skin. Is it dry? Sweaty? Are your fingertips freezing?
♥ repeat as many times as needed until you feel restful. Count each time you flick a finger forwards:
1, 2, 3, 4
Relax.
Calm.
Begin anew.
∞
What active movements have you had in the past short while? I’m not talking bowel movements here, tmi. If not, can you stand up where you are? If not, seated is fine too.
♥ hands on hips gently sway your shoulders back and forth. Feel the movement of your hips under your hands. Notice the gentle rise and fall of each hip as you sway. Bring your attention to your body.
♥ keeping both feet planted on the ground, lift your toes alternating each foot, in sync with your shoulder swaying.
If that’s too much, just do each movement separately.
Another self-love offering under your belt.
♥ smile – smiling has been proven to improve one’s positive outlook.
If you have nothing to smile about, if your day is simply too stressful to manufacture a laugh, or perhaps you’re going through a trying time, try to recall a pleasant memory. A picnic, movie, song. Even a moment of laughing at yourself doing something silly will improve your positivity – if your colleagues or fellow passengers see you smiling, that’s good too because it’s very contagious. Even momentary lightness can create a shift in your mood or frame of mind. If you have the opportunity to cheer someone else up with a Dad or Nan joke, you’re doubling the reward for yourself and for them. Shared laughter is a sure-fire elixir to self-care.
So go on, conjure up a smile – it’s good for you and it's calorie free!
As your day starts to wind down, let’s reflect on strategies you can implement to ease into the rest of the week more pleasurably.
♥ do you have a system to help you with your routine? Work in/work out station? Port allocations for mail, loose change, keys? Chores or delegated tasks others can share to create smoother transitions for all involved?
♥ plan for the following day before you wrap-up this day. Giving yourself clarity is a self-care tactic that takes away uncertainty. Lock in meetings or appointments to create fluid momentum and greater success.
♥ once you’re back home or settled in for the evening, remember to plate up a nutritious meal. Nutrients not only feed our physical body, but our mind as well. Healthy food equals healthy attitude.
♥ chase it down with a tall glass of purifying water
♥ as you prepare for sleep, switch off electronic devices, read a book – a real one whose pages you can actually feel in your hands, magazine or try journaling if you’re so inclined.
♥ if your sleeping partner will indulge you – no no don’t get excited – move your feet from side to side simultaneously like windscreen wipers, then toes together then heels together. Feel the sheets under you heels. Are they cold? Soft? Noisy? What does the material on your toes feel like? Smooth? Silky?
That’s another 30 seconds of mindful indulgence under wraps.
♥ curl up or stretch out into your favourite sleeping position. Feel your head heavy on your pillow.
♥It is well with your soul♥
Did you try any of these strategies? Which ones worked best for you?
How do you practice self-care?
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