You've Changed

Your Personal Growth Does Not Threaten Your Relationship 

You've changed. 

You are not the same person who your husband or wife married years ago. They are not the same person, either. 

You committed to your partner without knowing who they would become. Especially if you were young. 

It's part of the marriage package. 

People change over the years. You are not the same person at 40 that you were at 20. Thankfully. Because that 20-year-old hadn't experienced enough life to know what was what. At 20, our brains haven't even fully developed. 

You committed to your partner knowing that both of you would change. At least, you knew it in your head. If you think too hard about it, these agreements seem scary. 

We calm these fears by telling ourselves a myth: Couples in Close and Connected Relationships Grow Together. Their Marriage Lasts Because They Feel In-Sync and are on the Same Page. 

This simply isn't true. 

You are busy. You have many obligations, projects, goals, and dreams. For long periods of your relationship, your partner is not the primary focus of your life. And they're not supposed to be. Your partner takes a backseat to career building, parenting, parental caregiving, and personal growth. 

There's a lot to keep up with. Even when you share the same life, you will have different life experiences. Even when you live through the same events, you will experience them differently. This makes it more likely that you will feel disconnected and out-of-sync. 

Your relationship can take it. It has an elasticity that lets you grow and experience new things in life. 

The truth? 

The work of a long-term relationship is to feel close and connected despite the reasons to feel disconnected and out-of-sync. 

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Sometimes you will feel disconnected, lonely, frustrated, disappointed, and hurt by your partner. 

These are not signs that you married the wrong person. Instead, these feelings are reminders that you have some work to do so you feel close and connected again. 

They are a yellow flag that tells you that you are moving too far in different directions. And now is the time to turn some of your focus back to the relationship. 

The goal of a long-term relationship is not to grow in step with one another. It is to have rituals, tools, habits, and strategies that help you get to know your partner as they are right now. Understanding that both of you change over time. 

You're supposed to grow as a person. It's ok that your partner isn't in lock step with your growth. In fact, most partners grow in response to their partner, not with their partner. They may resist growing as a person and only do it after intense frustration. Whether you grow willingly or fight it, you will grow. 

Your personal growth does not threaten your relationship, if you bring your partner up to speed after you make changes. 

So, how do you maintain a happy, connected, in-sync long term relationship? 

Tips to Feel Close Through Personal Change: 

I could give you a list of ways to stay connected with your partner. In fact, I have in other places. As have many other relationship coaches, counselors, and experts. 

 --> You Already Know How to Connect 

It's the same way you always have in the past--talking, spending time together, working through problems, sharing inside jokes, achieving goals together. 

The reason that you don't is because: 

1. You don't prioritize working on your relationship. 

-Or- 

2. It feels awkward when you feel out of sync. 

Having a close relationship happens because you work at it. You can't wait for it to happen naturally. 

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You can take the awkward out of feeling disconnected by making connecting activities part of your routine or a habit. 

Practice habits to spend time together every day, talk regularly, be affectionate and intimate. Make it a regular part of your life so you can grow and stay connected. 

Your personal growth does not need to threaten your long-term relationship. However, you can make that growth easier on the relationship. 

P.S. If you go on a date, and you get into an argument, that's a sign that you are not spending enough time working through problems. If you don't want to argue on your date, work through problems at another time. But that's a topic for another day. 

Cheri Timko is a Couples Relationship Coach and Psychotherapist who supports couples as they break the patterns of bickering and disconnection so they can have a close and connected relationship. 

You can access a free Relationship Habit guide at www.cheritimko.com/freeresourcepage